The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
