Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
