I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
