I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
