I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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