life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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