dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
