My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
