Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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