You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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