I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
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Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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