i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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