why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
