Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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