Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
