I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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