its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
