dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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