It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
