There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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