This is not my ceiling
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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