Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
