my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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