Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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