If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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