just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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