I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
