life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
