I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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