You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
