I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
