There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
