I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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