it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
