He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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