im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
