I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
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We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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