I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
false alarm, still single
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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