I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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