Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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