I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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