If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Randomize
