glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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