so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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