All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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