My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
