so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
