I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
