So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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