hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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