You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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