Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
