Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
