you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
