ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
