Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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