Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
