i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
