Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
