they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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