Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
